From High Hopes to Deep Disappointment: The Anxious Attachment Loop
You know the feeling. You're chatting with a new friend, or a family member, and there's a moment – a shared laugh, a heartfelt comment, a feeling of genuine connection.
And just like that, your mind races ahead. This is it! This feels good. This connection is real.
You're filled with this wonderful, warm sense of hope and joy. You start to picture more moments like this. It feels amazing, doesn't it?
But then, something shifts. Maybe they seem a little busy, or a plan gets canceled, or you just get a quiet moment that feels... off.
And suddenly, that lovely, hopeful feeling twists into a familiar knot in your stomach. That joy drains right out, replaced by a heavy disappointment. Your brain, in what feels like a blink, jumps to:
"Did I say something wrong?"
"Are they pulling away?"
"Am I too much?"
"Why does this always happen to me?"
"Maybe I'm not that important to them after all."
"See? I knew it wouldn't last."
If that sounds like your internal monologue playing on repeat, you are absolutely not alone. And chances are, you're experiencing the push and pull of anxious attachment.
As a therapist, I hear this story constantly. It's not just about romantic relationships; this pattern shows up in your friendships, your family dynamics, and even your interactions at work.
It's draining, confusing, and can leave you feeling deeply disappointed. Please hear me on this: it's not your fault. This isn't a flaw in you. It's a deeply wired way of relating that often developed when you were quite young.
Anxious Attachment From Childhood to Adulthood
Let's rewind for a second. Think back. Did you ever have a parent or caregiver who made promises they didn't keep? "We'll go to the park later!"... and then later never came.
Or plans that got canceled last minute, over and over?
Maybe you felt like their love or attention was inconsistent – there one minute, gone the next?
Or perhaps you just had this nagging feeling that you weren't quite "good enough" no matter what you did?
Those early experiences, those little heartbreaks and inconsistencies, teach your young mind a powerful lesson: connection isn't always reliable. Joy can be snatched away. The shoe will drop.
So, fast-forward to now. That anxious attachment style you have? It's like your adult brain's way of trying to manage those old feelings.
Here's how that old script still plays out in your relationships today, making your hopes soar and your disappointment sink:
Your Deep Need for Connection: At your core, you have a powerful, beautiful need for consistent closeness, security, and to feel truly seen and valued. When you experience a moment that hints at this – that spark of connection – your system lights up with incredible hope and joy. It's your inner self finally saying, "YES! This is what I've always wanted!"
Building the "Future Ideal": Because that security felt so inconsistent or conditional growing up, your mind tends to fast-forward. You don't just enjoy the present moment; you instantly project it forward. You're not just having coffee with a new friend; you're already picturing them as your reliable bestie. You're filling in all the blanks with the consistency you craved as a kid. That hope and joy feel so real because they're connected to a deep, lifelong yearning.
Small Cues Become BIG Signals of Hope: A warm smile, an engaged conversation, a considerate act – these aren't just minor pleasantries. To your anxiously attached system, they're like flashing neon signs screaming, "THIS IS IT! This is safe! This is real!" Your hopes don't just rise; they take off into the stratosphere, fueled by that deep desire for consistent connection. Joy is so easy to access here!
The Hyper-Sensitive Alarm Bell: Here’s where the disappointment sinks in. Because that security feels so precious and often felt so fragile growing up, your internal alarm system is incredibly sensitive. Any hint of distance, a perceived slight, a change in plans (especially if it mirrors past broken promises!), or even just someone seeming preoccupied – these aren't minor bumps. They trigger that alarm, screaming, "Threat! Danger! History repeating! You're losing them! You're not important!"
The "Pop!" of Disappointment: When that alarm goes off, the beautiful picture you were building in your mind suddenly deflates. That vibrant hope and joy drain right out, replaced by a heavy, often familiar, disappointment. Your brain quickly jumps to those fears that feel like old wounds: "They don't care," "I pushed them away," "I'm too much." The disappointment isn't just about that one interaction; it's about the shattering of the hopeful future you'd already imagined, and it can bring back that stinging feeling of not being good enough from childhood. And that sudden fall from soaring hope is painful.
You Don't Have to Keep Riding This Wild Ride
This pattern of going from high hopes to deep disappointment is utterly exhausting. It makes you second-guess your instincts, question your worth, and sometimes, even want to just pull away from people altogether, just to protect yourself from that familiar sting.
Understanding this pattern is the very first step toward creating more steady, fulfilling relationships… and feeling secure in yourself.
When you recognize that this cycle stems from anxious attachment and those early childhood experiences, you can begin to:
Hit pause: Challenge that urge to write the whole story of a relationship after just the first few pages. What's actually happening right now?
Stay grounded: Focus on the present moment in interactions, rather than letting your mind drift to imagined futures or painful echoes of the past.
Spot your personal triggers: What specific words, actions, or silences tend to activate your anxiety and make you jump to conclusions? Knowing these is a huge step.
Learn to soothe your own damn self: Figure out healthy, gentle ways to comfort yourself when that familiar knot of anxiety tightens, so you don't react from a place of panic.
Find your voice (when you're ready): As you build confidence, you can learn to communicate your needs for connection and reassurance in ways that feel true to you, rather than letting anxiety control all the shots.
You Deserve Relationships That Feel Good, Stable, and Secure
You deserve connections where you're not constantly bracing for impact, where belonging feels steady, and where your sense of worth isn't determined by every glance or perceived slight.
You deserve relationships where that childhood sting doesn't have to dictate your present.
If you're so tired of this emotional exhaustion, if you're ready to understand why your relationships feel this way, and if you truly want to build more secure, fulfilling connections in your life – with friends, family, and potentially a partner – know that there's a path forward.
You are not "too much." You are not broken. You are a person with a powerful need for connection who's simply navigating a very common emotional blueprint shaped by your past.
And with the right support, you can absolutely learn to build relationships that feel safe and secure.
Ready to trade the gut-punch for genuine peace and finally feel truly seen in your relationships? I see you, I hear you, and honestly, I totally get it. Let's talk.
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About the author: Sabrina Cruz, LCSW, RYT-200 is a psychotherapist and yoga teacher who truly values holistic care. She supports women to break free from people-pleasing and unapologetically embody their light. HHWS specializes in people pleasing, anxiety, and childhood wounds to help you heal from trauma, reparent your inner child, and embrace your authentic self.
This blog post is for informational purposes only and does not substitute for mental health or medical advice. The person pictured in the photograph is not depicted to have a mental health disorder of any kind. The photo is a stock photo used primarily for a cover photo.